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4 participants
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BlueSky
Ecrivain renommé
Ecrivain renommé
BlueSky


Féminin
Nombre de messages : 760
Localisation : Melbourne
Date d'inscription : 17/12/2008

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MessageSujet: Comments "Who is he ?"   Comments "Who is he ?" I_icon_minitime2/10/2009, 00:24

Text.

That's great XD! Another personn speaking english here! I can't believe it! I thought it was only Tartine, Lia and me, but I guess I was wrong. Thanks Satine for sharing with us your text. It's a really nice one, although it seems to remind me something^^. Perhaps because it's a bit like twilight, but shorter: the really cute Peter, the so-in-love Beth who wants to become a vampire too... Yeah, I definitly saw that somewhere XD
But even though it's (really) shorter, it's nicely written, and I like it, well done! The only thing I can find odd, is the way she's talking to him the first time. It's a bit too straight to me. And: Those eyes were fiwed (fixed, maybe) on me and I had the feeling he knew what I was thinking (can he read minds too ^^? )
But it's great, and I guess I could ask for what's coming next (the strange life with the strange but soooo soooo great looking husband XD) ^^. Can't wait, but don't want to spoil the surprise (I haven't read the Meyer's books yet ^_^).
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Masma
Poète maudit
Poète maudit
Masma


Masculin
Sagittaire Coq
Nombre de messages : 117
Age : 30
Localisation : Les limbes d'internet. Ou le bar, au choix.
Date d'inscription : 29/04/2009

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MessageSujet: Re: Comments "Who is he ?"   Comments "Who is he ?" I_icon_minitime5/4/2009, 14:30

That text is soooo a Twilight fanfic xD
I spotted several english mistakes in the text but I haven't got the time to show you all of them.
I'm just going to correct several passages which really hurt my eyes ^^
"It is better" => shouldn't someone who is talking say "I like it that way" or "It's better" Im' not sure you can use "better" in this context.
"and enjoy this life." => "and enjoyed this life"
"-The same !" => "Same one !"
"Give me an explanation, I ordened." => "I ordered" I think you just taped the wrong letter here, but since I'm not sure...

There are other mistakes but I haven't got the time to sort them all out xD


Dernière édition par Masma le 5/6/2009, 17:15, édité 1 fois
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tartine
Administrateur
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tartine


Féminin
Scorpion Rat
Nombre de messages : 524
Age : 39
Localisation : lyon
Date d'inscription : 17/12/2008

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MessageSujet: Re: Comments "Who is he ?"   Comments "Who is he ?" I_icon_minitime5/5/2009, 15:58

well you did quite a good job already XD
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Haedrich
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Haedrich


Masculin
Scorpion Rat
Nombre de messages : 1985
Age : 39
Localisation : Mâcon (71)
Date d'inscription : 11/08/2009

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MessageSujet: Re: Comments "Who is he ?"   Comments "Who is he ?" I_icon_minitime10/25/2009, 11:28

Good job, well done! since I didn't read the Twilight saga I cannot compare, but I like the story. I saw some other mistakes:


Satine a écrit:
the characters and the story are differents = the characters and the story are different

It's a bit simply and stupid= simple


I had come to live at Bath= in Bath


Amy and Di called friends who had a motorbike. I was going to school alone= I went to ...

We became friends = you could also say "we befriended"

I just new his name = I just Knew




I was never at home, but to eat and sleep= I'd rather say " but for eating and sleeping"

He disappeared in the dark= you can say "he vanished" instead of "he disappeared".


without family and friends= without family nor friends


My life was sad and me too. = my life was sad and so was I


I heard someone shouting= I would use "scream" instead of "shout"

The murderer turned and looked at me= turned around


I ordened= I ordered


That's it.
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MessageSujet: Commentaires "Who is he ?"   Comments "Who is he ?" I_icon_minitime10/30/2009, 12:18

It's just the same thing as BlueSky that bothers me; when Beth talks for the first time to Peter, how can she be so direct? Otherwise its cool, I like it =)
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