BlueSky Ecrivain renommé
Nombre de messages : 760 Localisation : Melbourne Date d'inscription : 17/12/2008
| Sujet: Comments "Who is he ?" 2/10/2009, 00:24 | |
| Text.That's great XD! Another personn speaking english here! I can't believe it! I thought it was only Tartine, Lia and me, but I guess I was wrong. Thanks Satine for sharing with us your text. It's a really nice one, although it seems to remind me something^^. Perhaps because it's a bit like twilight, but shorter: the really cute Peter, the so-in-love Beth who wants to become a vampire too... Yeah, I definitly saw that somewhere XD But even though it's (really) shorter, it's nicely written, and I like it, well done! The only thing I can find odd, is the way she's talking to him the first time. It's a bit too straight to me. And: Those eyes were fiwed (fixed, maybe) on me and I had the feeling he knew what I was thinking (can he read minds too ^^? ) But it's great, and I guess I could ask for what's coming next (the strange life with the strange but soooo soooo great looking husband XD) ^^. Can't wait, but don't want to spoil the surprise (I haven't read the Meyer's books yet ^_^). | |
|
Masma Poète maudit
Nombre de messages : 117 Age : 30 Localisation : Les limbes d'internet. Ou le bar, au choix. Date d'inscription : 29/04/2009
| Sujet: Re: Comments "Who is he ?" 5/4/2009, 14:30 | |
| That text is soooo a Twilight fanfic xD I spotted several english mistakes in the text but I haven't got the time to show you all of them. I'm just going to correct several passages which really hurt my eyes ^^ "It is better" => shouldn't someone who is talking say "I like it that way" or "It's better" Im' not sure you can use "better" in this context. "and enjoy this life." => "and enjoyed this life" "-The same !" => "Same one !" "Give me an explanation, I ordened." => "I ordered" I think you just taped the wrong letter here, but since I'm not sure...
There are other mistakes but I haven't got the time to sort them all out xD
Dernière édition par Masma le 5/6/2009, 17:15, édité 1 fois | |
|
tartine Administrateur
Nombre de messages : 524 Age : 39 Localisation : lyon Date d'inscription : 17/12/2008
| Sujet: Re: Comments "Who is he ?" 5/5/2009, 15:58 | |
| well you did quite a good job already XD | |
|
Haedrich Administrateur
Nombre de messages : 1985 Age : 39 Localisation : Mâcon (71) Date d'inscription : 11/08/2009
| Sujet: Re: Comments "Who is he ?" 10/25/2009, 11:28 | |
| Good job, well done! since I didn't read the Twilight saga I cannot compare, but I like the story. I saw some other mistakes: - Satine a écrit:
- the characters and the story are differents = the characters and the story are different
It's a bit simply and stupid= simple
I had come to live at Bath= in Bath
Amy and Di called friends who had a motorbike. I was going to school alone= I went to ...
We became friends = you could also say "we befriended"
I just new his name = I just Knew
I was never at home, but to eat and sleep= I'd rather say " but for eating and sleeping"
He disappeared in the dark= you can say "he vanished" instead of "he disappeared".
without family and friends= without family nor friends
My life was sad and me too. = my life was sad and so was I
I heard someone shouting= I would use "scream" instead of "shout"
The murderer turned and looked at me= turned around
I ordened= I ordered
That's it. | |
|
Invité Invité
| Sujet: Commentaires "Who is he ?" 10/30/2009, 12:18 | |
| It's just the same thing as BlueSky that bothers me; when Beth talks for the first time to Peter, how can she be so direct? Otherwise its cool, I like it =) |
|
Contenu sponsorisé
| Sujet: Re: Comments "Who is he ?" | |
| |
|