My Road...

This text is in english version too.
The original version is in french but I'll put the both my text in french and his tanslation in english...

Mon Chemin de Lumière et d'Etoiles...

Je me sentais partir lentement, m'enfoncer dans la douleur de mes sentiments, ce gouffre sans fond... Mais à présent, je suis presque remontée à la surface et j'arrive de nouveau à respirer pleinement.
Le chemin que je prends promet d'être long et sombre mais il est également parsemé d'étoiles et de lumière ;
Car, dans ces ténèbres où règne l'obscurité, j'aperçois un rayon clair...
C'est le signe que j'attends pour renaître de mes cendres. Tel le phoenix, j'ouvre à nouveau grand mes ailes pour m'envoler et ne pas refaire les mêmes erreurs que dans le passé.
Les étoiles et lumières de mon chemin sont sans nul doute des gens bien, des personnes qui seront là pour moi, et réciproquement, où que je sois...
Des têtes dont le sourire ne me fait nullement souffrir, celles qui me font franchement rire...
Depuis pas longtemps, j'ai retrouvé mon sourire d'antan, mais qui n'est plus si enfantin cependant, car il aura à jamais perdu son air innocent...

My Road of Light and Stars...

«... I felt leaving slowly, sinking into the pain of my feelings, this bottomless abyss... But at the moment, I am almost surfaced and I can breathing completely.
The road which I take promises to be long and dark but it is also star-studded and of light;
Because, in these darkness where reign the obscurity, I perceive a clear beam...
It is the sign for which I wait to be reborn of my ashes. Such the phoenix, I open again big my wings to fly away and not redo the same errors as in past.
Stars and lights of my road are no doubt people indeed, persons who will be for me, and mutually, wherever there whom I am...
Heads from which the smile makes me suffer by no means, those who frankly make me laugh...
Since not for a long time, I found my smile of former days, but which is not so childish any more however, because it will have lost for ever its innocent air... »



P.S : Je vous mets ce premier texte que j'aime bien. Je reviendrai en commenter d'autres, mais c'est juste pour commencer parce que je ne sais pas si dans les jours qui suivent, même le mois qui suit, j'aurais accès à internet. Alors, je vous le mets parce que j'aimerai savoir ce que vous en pensez, même si je ne le verrai pas tout de suite...

Merci d'avance !
(et désolée de partir maintenant, mais je vais en summer camp...)

Il aurais fallut faire un sujet de commentaire pour qu'on puisse en faire.
On ne les envoi pas à la suite des textes

A part pour les vieux défi; avant les réformes =o

Je relirait le texte pour commenter après *-*

Hullo. We haven't met yet, but hey, welcome. Huh, quick note: make a topic in the ''Comments'' section too next time. 'Rules here say we gotta do that, as to keep the texts all clean and orderly and have the opinions and advices all up in one place.

I'll have to say that I'm baffled as to why you've decided to translate your text in English. I just can't bring myself to understand exactly why... Did you think the original version was too short?
My point is, the original is pretty good. Feels right, goes right. Taking out what seems to be a personal experience, your own feelings, that kinda stuff. Then you go on and translate it. It loses everything it had going for it... Most blatantly its use of language:

''I felt myself leaving slowly'' -> It lacked that other pronoun to be alright. The sentence's subject was absent without it!
In the next sentence, you shouldn't use ''at the moment''. It is mostly associated with mundane things - ''I'm not doing anything at the moment'', as opposed to the regained emotional freedom you put up. ''Now'' would largely suffice, as it has no connotation. In that same sentence, prefer ''I can breath fully''. Breathing is a progressive action, but you imply possibility with ''can''; as such, it is not needed for it to be a participle. ''Fully'' simply sounds better than ''completely'', as ''pleinement'' in your original text.

''but it is also star-studded and of light'' -> I will translate what you literally said so you understand what's the problem: ''mais il est aussi cloué d'étoiles et -fait de- lumière''
Indeed, in that particular sentence format, your usage of an adjective directly joined to ''star'' separated both nouns (star and light) and brought ''of light'' as a shortened version of ''made of light''. It would thus be more appropriate to say ''but it also has light and stars scattered over''.

''in this darkness where obscurity reigns'' simple grammatical errors here, nothing to fuss over!

''Alike to the phoenix, I open wide my wings once again to fly away and not repeat the errors I had past made'' The first two corrections are largely grammatical too, but that last one is to fit more in the general tone of your writing (as well as correct your somewhat strange syntax).

''wherever I shall be'' -> you basically wrote ''où que je soie là qui suis-je'' Watch out!

''Since a little while''
You should also put your ''however'' right after ''but which is''!

So, all in all, une traduction un peu boiteuse, mais pas trop difficile à corriger! J'ai confiance en tes capacités, tu devrais pouvoir améliorer ton anglais sans trop de difficulté ^-^